Overheard Among the Fauna at Misterkevin’s Place

Mourning Dove

I'll bully the sparrows off the feeder. I'm a giant! And why does that cute man still have spunk in his goatee? I've never seen him here before and he only stayed 15 minutes.

Cardinals

We're completely at peace eating all of the food in misterkevin's earthly temple to god's greatness, even though he doesn't seem to be religious in any traditional sense. He has all those eccentric friends, but maybe we can convert him?

Black-capped Chickadee

Misterkevin seems sullen today. Does he have too much on his mind? Ohmigod! Gulliver and Xena are going to eat me.

Goldfinch

I love the nyjer thistle seed misterkevin feeds me, but does he have to pee under my feeding tube?

Downy Woodpecker

The smoke wafting out of misterkevins's house sure takes the edge off my headache.

Pine Grosbeak

When misterkevin walks around his house all naked and stuff, he looks like some kind of directionless, hairless sleepy bear. That reminds me, I'm hungry for grubs.

House Sparrow

I need a bath and so does misterkevin. I'm feeling extra funky. How about a soak in the bubbler?

Hummingbird

I'm addicted to the honeysuckle nectar, but I can't stand that artificial crap David puts out here. SUGAR!

Mallard Duck Family

We enjoy roosting in misterkevin's back yard each spring flying to our home in the north. That stupid dalmatian mix dog, Lucky, at the neighbor's house is a real nuisance. Stop barking at us, you cretin!

Bat

I don't like this place at all. That bathouse misterkevin put up in the old burr oak was atrocious. I'm never coming back!

Robin

More food please! I'd like more black sunflower seeds. This cheap stuff misterkevin buys from HOBO isn't nearly as good as the food I eat at my second home in Lake Forest.

Black Squirrel

I'm so happy misterkevin put in those birdhouses high in the trees which I could turn into private condos. I'll move in the whole family.

Rabbit

Mmmm. That fresh kangaroo paw plant was delicious! What plants can I destroy next?

Chipmunk

I enjoyed those lily bulbs growing into my underground nest. I'm always happy to dig little holes in the gardens and disrupt the mulch. I just wish he wouldn't drown my brothers and sisters to death with that hose.

Skunk

The stench I sprayed in misterkevin's root cellar made his eyes water more than when he cried about putting his mother in a nursing home.

Racoon

I want to make love on the concord grape arbor while making ugly feral sounds to wake misterkevin up at 4AM! Xena's a slut. I'm gonna do her next.

White Tailed Deer

Ugh! I ate something terrible from the garden and now I'm going to trample all the plants and vomit in the fountain.

Toad

Galumph! The gnats around the sedum taste so good, but I can't stand the yardworkers constantly destroying my private underbrush with that dangerous weedeater.